Archive for sex

I Promise!

Posted in FILM with tags on December 12, 2014 by dcairns

I promise not to direct the following pornographic films:

THE EROTIC MISADVENTURES OF ROBINSON CRUSOE

THEY CALL ME MISTER TITS!

GROSSE POINT BONK

NUTS OF THE LIVING DEAD

NIGHT OF THE GIVING HEAD

WHY DOES HAIRY ARSE RUN AMOK?

THE EROTIC MISADVENTURES OF GREGOR SAMSA

THEY DIED WITH THEIR BOOBS OUT

THE LOVELY BONERS

THE SLAPPING BOTTY

THE EROTIC MISADVENTURES OF DON QUIXOTE

NUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR?

FANNY AND ALEXANDER AND MORE FANNY

THE PRIVATE PARTS OF J. EDGAR HOOVER

THE EROTIC MISADVENTURES OF J. ALFRED PRUFROCK

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Film Directors with Everything Off: La Bruce

Posted in FILM with tags , , , , , , , , on January 29, 2013 by dcairns

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Bruce Robinson goes porno in KLEINHOFF HOTEL.

“I’ve never seen it. It was basically high-class pornography. A Baader Meinhoff terrorist on the run — me — checks into a hotel to kill himself. Meanwhile, for whatever reason, this beautiful French woman in the next room is watching this man through a crack in the adjoining door, and she decides that she wants to fuck him. [Italian accent] ‘Try and get an erection, Bruce.’ I’m like, ‘Fuck off! Get an erection, with fifty people standing here?’ One lunchtime one of the prop men comes up to me with a box that looks like it contains duelling pistols, and there are all these fake dicks in there and he wants me to strap one on. I thought, ‘Christ almighty! I’ve been to drama school! No!’ It was a very rude film. Lots of ridiculous sex scenes that were the most unusual things I’ve ever done.”

From Smoking in Bed, Conversations with Bruce Robinson, edited by Alistair Owen.

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Yeah, the film really isn’t very good. Robinson already had his writing career up and running, though, so this was virtually his swan song to acting.

On to nobler things, such as Universal horror limericks! We’ve been chronicling the adventures of the SON OF FRANKENSTEIN in rhyming form over at Limerwrecks, and my contributions are here and here , while I sing the praises of Joseph H Lewis’s THE BIG COMBO here , here, and especially right here (continuing the oral theme from above).

Claudia Cardinale’s Sex Tombola

Posted in FILM with tags , , , , , on November 24, 2012 by dcairns

Antonio Pietrangeli’s IL MAGNIFICO CORNUTO is a marital comedy that plays kind of like a sixties Italian EYES WIDE SHUT — it’s all about fidelity, there’s an exchange of fantasies/affairs, the complacent male is thrown into a whirlpool of angst, there are scenes in a hotel and a big country house… Ugo Tognazzi (you remember the child-catcher in BARBARELLA who takes off his big fur coat to reveal an even bigger, furrier chest?) cheats on his impossibly gorgeous wife, Claudia Cardinale, and is tormented, not by conventional guilt, but by impotent fantasies of her cheating back.

The climactic, is I may use the word, fantasy, is a prolonged and luminously atmospheric striptease, with Cardinale stripping away her seven or so veils according to the results of an erotic tombola. Yes.

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