Archive for Oscars

And then some naked men with swords come in

Posted in FILM with tags , , on February 27, 2017 by dcairns

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I’m live-blogging the Oscars in the company of Fiona and our friends Nicola & Donald.

If one imagines the scene — a glittering Hollywood event attended by the top people in the film industry, and then imagines a bunch of naked men with swords entering the room — then a happy outcome — the naked men slaughtering the Hollywood honchos — seems perfectly possible. But because we live in a dystopia, I’m afraid what’s going to happen is that the golden men will be distributed as gifts to the movie movers and shakers.

This year I think I have seen two of the nominated films, plus a couple of little bits. My disengagement with contemporary cinema is almost complete! Although I have seen a few other new films that haven’t been nominated for anything. The Oscars are not so white this year, which is to say the nominated films and performers are even less typical of what is actually made in modern American cinema than usual. The two films I saw are HIDDEN FIGURES and ARRIVAL — black women fire white men into space, black aliens come from space, talk to white woman — which were good enough to make me feel I should’ve seen more. Bit I just didn’t. Too busy catching up with Esther Williams and Red Skelton.

There will be frocks. There will be speeches. I will follow the standard procedure of being rude about people’s clothing, despite being the world’s sloppiest dresser myself (and the world’s sloppiest eater — the two are very much connected). My rudeness level on speeches will depend on their content. The intros are always appalling, of course. Anti-Trump speeches have to be welcomed with the world being as it is (“with grim death gargling up at you from every sidewalk”) but this event is such a safe space, even with live TV coverage, that there doesn’t seem much courage involved. On the other hand, a pro-Trump speech wouldn’t take much courage either since anybody giving such a speech would have to be completely divorced from reality.

OK, as this evening lengthens, so will this post. Keep checking in.

Now read on…

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RED CARPET BOMBING

So, we’re watching the Sky Cinema coverage — they have a bunch of pundits on a couch to talk during the US commercial breaks. We’ll be talking over them. We have a TV comedy actor, two film critics and a woman who does the sums on a quiz show.

We might also switch to the repulsive E! just to see what that’s like — red carpet coverage might be superior, or inferior, or different.

Shot of Damien Chazelle. “He’s twelve!” complains Fiona.

A lot of mean remarks I won’t report about dresses and hair, but a chorus of approval for Kirsten Dunst’s black dress. And Taraji P. Henson’s black dress. “She’s magnificently booby,” says Fiona.

Jessica Biel’s come as an Oscar. Octavia Spencer announces that she’s wearing comfy shoes, which gets a cheer from the women in this room. Nobody knows what to think about David Oyelowo’s white tuxedo jacket. Well, we do — we don’t like it, but none of us can think of a specific reason. Probably he should get points for not doing the safe thing, though.

Adrien Brody just turned up in a car commercial.

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Janelle Monae is wearing schrapnel, but looks good, I think. Dakota Johnson is also dressed as an Oscar. Spectacularly awkward E! interview. The room denounces her hair and frock.

“What is it with the low-slung breasts?” demands Fiona, remarking on a tendency she’s spotted. “They’re wearing them that way this year,” I explain.

Dylan Matthew, film critic, just got here. Now we’ll see some action!

Halle Berry with afro. The dress is admired. “She’s rocking the crazy cat woman look,” says Nicola, re the hair.

Dylan just did an expressive mime illustrating what his face did at the end of LA LA LAND. I told you we’d see some action. Sky shows a clip and Fiona points out that Ryan Gosling is wearing c0-respondent shoes. The E! fashion pundits analyse his suit. “All that drama coming through his shirt.” I yell “Eat your cereal!” at him in tribute to my former student, the late Ryan McHenry.

“Does anyone else find that the trailer for FENCES makes them not want to see it?” asks Dylan. I take a look at it. I don’t mind it. I think what makes me not want to see it is it was made after 1977.

Viola Davis’ dress is much admired.

Okay, I think it’s starting… we have a bottle of Prosecco to open.

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A SILVER TONGUE IS MORE VALUABLE THAN A GOLDEN SWORD

Donald pops the cork. “Remember, it should come out like a nun’s fart,” says Nicola. Donald does it beautifully — very nun-farty indeed.

Timberlake! Actually, quite a pleasant start. Don’t recall this kind of an opening — singer passing through the audience. Then VERY good reaction from Justin to JImmy Kimmel’s first put-down. Though I hope that Kimmel isn’t going to do the whole Ricky Gervaise insult comedian thing.

First celebrity AAARGH of the evening goes to Mel Gibson, who is a very odd colour with very odd face-lines. He’s roughly the hue of Ben Grimm, the Thing. (“The very rich are no longer remotely human” wrote William Gibson, truly a profit of the future.)

I’m quite liking Kimmel. Because he’s deadpan, he doesn’t come across as gloating and he can say mean things without seeming remotely mean.

Alicia Ex Machina has a very shiny face. Didn’t see any of the Best Supporting Actor films. But I know the director of HELL OR HIGH WATER so I’ll root for Jeff Bridges. But they might give it to Michael Shannon, out of fear…

Mahershala Ali! Well, I’m happy about that — didn’t see the film, but he’s good in HIDDEN FIGURES. And he seems lovely.

“Have you got anything you desperately want to win?” asks Dylan, getting into the spirit. None of us do, failing to get into the spirit. HIDDEN FIGURES is suggested, which we all liked, but since we have seen almost nothing else we couldn’t swear that all the other films aren’t better.

Make-up. Only three nominees. SUICIDE SQUAD wins. Man with VERY yellow glasses talks very very fast in Italian accent, and another guy who looks like a silver-haired lion.

Costume — we like Colleen Atwood, so we’re happy. Despite the fact that she always wins, she apparently didn’t prepare anything. Rookie mistake, Colleen!

Rolex ad. Several of us get confused and think it’s the In Memoriam bit. “Charles Bronson? No!”

98-year old Katherine Johnson is wheeled on. “I’m going to look that good when I’m 68,” says Dylan. Segue to Best Documentary which goes to OJ: MADE IN AMERICA. Which is seven hours long. Is it actually a film?

The Rock. Affable. A song. The girl from Moana. “Only sixteen?” protests Nicola. “The grow up fast nowadays” says Fiona. Midway through, one of the big spinning petals hits the poor kid. But she keeps going. “She’s got that awful combination,” says Dylan, “of a beautiful voice and a beautiful face.”

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“She’s dead… wrapped in plastic…”

OSCARS NOT SO WHITE

Dylan pops out for a cigarette and Jimmy Kimmel starts parachuting confectionary onto the assembled guests. You missed the best bit, Dylan!

ARRIVAL wins something! Sound editing, or mixing or something. French guy pronounces “Amy Adams” in a charming way. It was very good sound. HACKSAW RIDGE gets mixing, which is the guy who’s been nominated 21 times and never won. He seems happy! The other two winners don’t get to say anything, but they must have suspected that would be the case.

Mel seems even crazier than before.

Now we’re promised that Sting is going to perform. “There’s no need for Sting,” protests Donald.

We protest that the lifetime achievement awards are dealt with at a separate event. They would have been a highlight.

But I’m quite digging the clips of Oscars past — lots of unexpected people turning up. Lee Grant! You never hear about Lee Grant.

Amused by the fact that two of the Best Supporting Actress clips feature swearing that has to be muted out, with the women’s lips going out of focus. Very intense acceptance speech from Viola Davis. Very, um, dramatic. Very FAKE, in other words. She’s much better in the movies.

God, this is going on for ages. Not the ceremony, this speech. I think the trouble is, if you start at that fervid emotional pitch, you have nowhere to go but complete meltdown.

Charlize Theron namechecks THE APARTMENT which, along with Billy Wilder, must be the most mentioned-at-Oscars bit of film history. I approve!

Asghar Farhadi wins Best Foreign Film. And a proper bit of politics in the speech he sent. And the group is played off with “Hooked on a Feeling.”

Sting! And the air rushes out of the room. I ask Dylan why he hasn’t gone for a smoke. I may START smoking. But Sting is commendably short. And then the orchestra strikes up “Take My Breath Away,” and a Rolex commercial begins. Bill Paxton is in it, which must be why we got so confused before and people thought it was the In Memoriam. It has to be just an unfortunate, tragic coincidence. Poor Bill Paxton.

Dylan proposes that Oscars should be divided into films you see at the cinema and films you catch up with later. “And the Oscar for Best Film You’ll Catch Up With Later goes to HACKSAW RIDGE!”

Short Animated Oscar from short, animated Gael Garcia Bernal. PIPER wins — a film I have actually seen. Then ZOOTOPIA, but in between GGB gets in a good swipe at Trump’s wall. Look forward to POTUS tweeting about the overrated, failing Oscars.

Production Design goes to LA LA LAND and is presented by the stars of FIFTY SHADES OF SHIT who STILL have no chemistry together.

Then they bus in a tour bus of tourists. Denzel Washington performs a marriage. “It’s Denzel so it’s legal.” It’s getting quite Bunuelesque.

Dylan has become confused, thinking maybe the tourists are refugees and it’s a political statement. The discussion becomes quite heated as we repeat the words “tour bust” and “tourists” at him a lot.

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NOM NOM NOM

Some of the cast of ROGUE ONE present Visual Effects. We rather approve of THE JUNGLE BOOK winning on the basis of the quality of the work (from the bits we’ve seen) even though I’m kind of horrified the remade it.

A tribute to BACK TO THE FUTURE. I think it’s a really good film but I’m always a bit embarrassed when people rave about it. Seth Rogen and Michael J. Fox present Best Editing. They show some clips in which edits happen. HACKSAW RIDGE wins. Mel Gibson continues to be terrifying.

LION KING moment with cute kid.

Sky host says we’re slightly past the halfway mark. Losing the will to live. And blog. The pundits are slightly struggling to find things to say.

Hayek and Oyelowo on Doc Short and Live Action Short. Sci-Tech Awards. I kind of like the way the presenters are kind of parodying the awful material presenters usually have to spout. But it’s nearly four a.m. and I am, as a very great man once said, too old for this shit.

“Everyone be upstanding for Meryl Streep,” says Fiona. Meryl and Javier Bardem are doing Cinematography. LA LA LAND wins again.

Mean Tweets! OK, that was pretty funny.

Gosling & Stone introduce a couple of songs from their film. It’s kind of boring. Fiona manages to go the loo and miss it. I’m trying to work out when I should go to the loo. This would have been a good moment.

LA LA LAND wins for score. Samuel L. Jackson’s intro speech is a but too much like the bad old days of sincere intros. The composer does a decent short speech — a lot of these guys are really not very good at public speaking, and why should they be? LA LA LAND wins for Best Song, so Justin Hurwitz has to bound out of his seat AGAIN. VERY good speeches this time. “I am actually freaking out right now!”

In Memoriam. Well, I’ll probably think of somebody they missed later, but it seemed quite tasteful.

Original Screenplay. Affleck & Damon. Very good joke as Kimmel tries to play Matt Damon off during his reading of the nominees. Playing with the form!

Oscar goes to Lonergan. I think that’s probably a good thing. Not that I saw any of the films.

Amy Adams — “Tit tape!” declares Fiona. “Well, wouldn’t you want tit tape if you were wearing that?” says Nicola. But this is an award for adapted screenplay, not tits, and it goes to MOONLIGHT. GREAT, FAST speeches from these guys.

Cookies and donuts are parachuted in.

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Best Director is coming up! Halle Berry presenting. An earnest and entirely inaccurate checklist of traits a director should have is recited. Damien Chazelle wins. Widespread outrage that he’s 22. We’re a bunch of fogeys.

Bree Larsen. “That is a dress,” acknowledges Nicola. Casey Affleck wins for MANCHESTER BY THE SEA and mumbles. “That is an unremittingly bleak film, isn’t it?” asks Donald, who hasn’t seen it. “Every clip they’ve shown…” Dylan has seen it and says it does have some very funny bits.

Leo! Leo by the sea-o! So it’s best actress. Nice to see Ruth Negga up there, just a couple of years after she starred in the worst closing film I have ever seen at Edinburgh Film Fest. We’re all still laughing at the FLORENCE FOSTER JENKINS clip when Emma Stone wins. We like her.

“Who won Best Actor again?” asks Fiona. That testifies to the impact of Affleck’s performance, I think.

Warren Beatty’s eyes are terrifying. Like the mouse in DUMBO. Little black dots. Faye Dunaway, it goes without saying, is a bit scary. Whoever wins best film ought to arm themselves with the shield of Perseus.

MOONLIGHT looks, dare I say it, cinematic.

Beatty milks the suspense horribly.

LA LA LAND. Chazelle is doomed.

And then MOONLIGHT! Well, that was exciting. Warren had the wrong envelope! This is the highlight of the night. Wow. Dylan had gone for a smoke and missed it.

Thank God LA LA LAND already won lots. Still must be a bit crushing, but they got to make speeches, which they wouldn’t have otherwise…

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#OscarsSoWhat?

Posted in Fashion, Politics with tags on February 29, 2016 by dcairns

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I usually manage to avoid the Oscars, and feel spuriously virtuous for doing so. This blog is mainly about film, not fashion or liberal politics or clinical psychology, so it essentially has nothing to do with the Oscars. But my friends Donald and Nicola, who have proper jobs and therefore get all the channels, invited us round. Fiona begged off with a mild concussion — debatable whether the Academy Awards might act like the fabled second blow to the head rumoured to cure amnesia — but I have popped around and will thus be live-blogging the event until about 6 am, UK time, if I last that long. Which depends on whether the gin lasts that long, really.

So, tune in as you like and watch this post spread and darken fantastically as the morning wears on.

***

Sky’s red carpet coverage was lacklustre so we’ve switched to E! for the madness. Proper frock analysis from people who don’t know anything about clothes but are willing to try. When you hear actual designers talk they don’t say things like “It’s something you might want to wear in the south of France.

I think I’ll say mean things about their clothes rather than about the clothes of the actors on the red carpet, who are very much in the crosshairs. The plus size model’s dress is described as “pretty.” It’s not pretty, “Startling” might be a fair description. It’s the sort of dress that looks apt to leap at you from a dark alley wielding a blackjack. It’s the sort of dress you might want to wear in the south of Hell.

Ryan Seacrest is wearing Ryan Seacrest. And it doesn’t seem to fit him properly.

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I don’t think my system can withstand a Kate Winslet acceptance speech. Otherwise I’d be as happy for her to win as anyone.

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Sky’s title sequence is, almost literally a Technicolor yawn.

***

Opening montage — lots of non-nominated films. They missed a trick — could have intercut Leo catching a snowflake on his tongue (THE REVENANT, featured clip) with Jennifer Jason Leigh doing the same (HATEFUL EIGHT, not featured clip).

***

Every year there’s someone who, when they cut to them in the crowd, causes me to exclaim with terror. Usually it’s Nicole Kidman’s taut, shiny brow. This time I think it’ll be Stallone, cantilevered into his chair like an amber menhir. #OscarsSoOrange

***

Best writing so far: Ryan Gosling & Russell Crowe’s cross-talk routine. Bodes well for THE NICE GUYS.

One of the few lines of text quoted from the Best Original Screenplay winner was “His face changes.” Into what?

Chris Rock’s opening monologue seems to imply that the reason for the diversity controversy this year is that black people no longer have anything serious, like lynching, to protest about. #StopKillingUsChrisRock

***

I think Alicia Vikander has been coached by Kate Winslet. But she got through it FAST, I’ll give her that.

Sky deal with the fact that the American coverage has more commercial breaks, by bringing in a terrible panel.

Seth McFarlane-level lesbian humour from Rock about CAROL.

I experience some actual excitement about Jenny Beavan’s win for MAD MAX: FURY ROAD. She went from doing Merchant-Ivory flicks to this. When she starts talking about the real-world menace to the environment, the orchestra starts playing Ride of the Valkyries and then segue into Que Sera Sera.

Tina Fey does Gracie Allen!

***

Sky’s coverage — any show where they read out tweets should be burned.Including the BBC news.

Lubezki winning for THE REVENENANT seems well deserved. They may have to start calling it the Lubezki Award.

Mrs. Miller won Most Editing. Quite happy about that.

Confession: we paused the live coverage so one of our number could have a cigarette break, so we weren’t quite live until now. Then we were able to fast-forward the ads. “Can we fast-forward the panel too?” “Afraid not. Not unless we go into the future.”

THE REVENANT really should win for sound…

MAD MAX is clearly sweeping the tech awards. Which doesn’t actually bode that well for George Miller. The speechifier seems to be George Miller Jnr.

Quite drunk now.

Wait, what, they have a special Andy Serkis category now? And the Award for Andy Serkis goes to Andy Serkis!

EX MACHINA! Maybe the MAD MAX publicity about how it was all done in camera has backfired. I mean, they win all the technical prizes and then they DON’T win for FX?

From Facebook, yesterday: Ennio Morricone certainly deserves a shelf-full of Oscars. But since THE HATEFUL EIGHT’s score recycles cues from EXORCIST II and THE THING, he should presumably be disqualified on the same rules that prevented Nino Rota picking up a little gold man for THE GODFATHER and Michael Nyman getting nominated for THE PIANO. Or is it time to admit that the Best Music Award is a closed shop open to foreigners only on very special occasions?

Shaun Hughes then reminded me that Jonny Greenwood was victim to a similar stitch-up over THERE WILL BE BLOOD.

Richard Williams didn’t win — but, on the plus side, Richard Williams completed a film, which I hadn’t realized. So, good.

They need to stop with the STAR WARS robots and the minions and the TOY STORY toys. I am becoming misanthropic about things that aren’t even people.

Guy from Weeknd wearing a plaster cast yeti footprint on his head and calling it “hair.”

“Where are you getting these movies from?” Best line of the night, from random black woman in Compton. Very funny segment from Rock. Somehow manages to look like he’s been superimposed, though.

Mark Rylance versus Sylvester Stallone — Gigantic Minimalism vs. Gigantic Manimalism. Yay, Rylance! “He’s just come out of nowhere,” says Nicola. “Yeah, one minute you’re directing the Globe Theatre, the next you’re a success,” I say. I get all the best lines.

Louis CK gives his speech presenting Best Documentary the same way he gives his performance in TRUMBO — like these words have just occurred to him as he’s speaking them. Clearly the best actor on stage tonight.

The jury is now in: Chris Rock terrible. Sky panel agree that Louis CK would make a great host. But — DON’T DO IT LOUIS!

Role call of the Dead! Christopher Lee would have pleased at having Saruman and Scaramanga as the images they chose. And no Dracula.

If you’re going to do a gag about the tiny child presenter not being able to reach the microphone, make sure he can reach the microphone at the end of it.

The one guy they couldn’t quite play off with Ride of the Valkyries is the guy with the film about the Holocaust, but they STARTED!

Lady Gaga song begins, with the camera wavering uncertainly at a window. “What the FUCK is going on?” demands Nicola.

“I imagine there’s going to be some blogging on this,” says Nicola, two minutes later.

Lady Gaga was, rightly concerned about being a pop diva weighing in on a serious issue. And everyone thought she carried it off rather well. And so she appeared at the Oscars and rather blew it. I don’t think you should sing about that subject at a giant white piano in a white suit with giant hair. Might as well go the full Elton John and do it dressed as Donald Duck.

***

Yay Ennio. About the only thing I was excited about.

MANY awkward moments tonight. Ali G. high on the list.

All the directors talk about their social relevance and then Inarritu talks about long takes. They set up to look shallow! And then give him the Oscar! Bad luck, George. Still, I think this was good. Cinema.

#OscarsSoOrange&Teal

Have nothing to say about Best Actress as I didn’t say any of the films. CAROL is the one I feel bad about not seeing yet. If I’d known it had guns and stuff I would’ve gone.

I would much rather Leo won for his funny dance in WOLF OF WALL ST. Or its sequel, WORLD OF WARCRAFT. Good, professional speech. I think I would give him extra points for being more emotional, though. Whereas I would give Kate Winslet points for being less emotional.

It’s almost over! Not nearly drunk enough.

SPOTLIGHT! A surprise. Surprises are good. Not many of those.

Let the self-congratulatory meat parade begin.

Posted in FILM with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 22, 2009 by dcairns

That’s George C Scott’s memorable phrase for the Academy Awards. The Great Man had nothing against awards, he said, but the Oscars had, even then, achieved such an all-encompassing bogus self-importance that they were clearly harmful rather than in any way beneficial. It’s not that stupid time-wasting crap is inherently harmful, but it does seem obscene that the one time of year when everybody talks about movies, is given over to a fatuous fashion show celebrating largely dull work.

And how come the news media conspire in the false earnestness of the event, when everyone I know of who watches the awards show does so in order to mock the bad frocks, ludicrous acceptance speeches and hysteria/histrionics?

Even by paying attention to them here I feel slightly soiled. But come by from around 11pm GMT (two hours before the ceremony itself, wherever you are) and I’ll be throwing the digital equivalent of popcorn at the TV, and updating this here post as regularly as drink and spell-checking permit. If comments appear, then the whole thing might well shift to the Comments section, so keep an eye on that too.

See you in the meat district…

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Image from http://tsutpen.blogspot.com/ — head over there and catch the brilliance.

Part two — am now sat on the couch between David Wingrove and Fiona, waiting for the nonsense to start. Nobody seems too excited about who’s going to win, but if Kathleen Byron doesn’t get a look-in during the Role-Call of the Dead segment, Fiona will be incandescent. I like the animated short HOUSE OF SMALL CUBES, which I blogged about here, so I’d like to see it win, but I imagine Pixar will take the gong.

Conversation has dealt with Steptoe and Son VS Sanford and Son, but is now shifting to the frocks. A lot of black dresses, apparently. “I don’t want to see a lot of black dresses,” protests Fiona. I think it would be good if someone came AS an Oscar, naked in gold paint. Mitchell Leisen through a party for Olivia deHavilland after TO EACH HIS OWN and he had a live Oscar for her. “But his eyes are blue!” she exclaimed in delight.

“John Travolta looks as if his hair has been drawn on with a felt tip pen” — Fiona.

I wonder how emotional Mickey Rourke is going to get. Can he actually locate a working tear duct these days?

Sky  1 has Fearne Cotton on the red carpet in a pink dress, clashing quite badly. And instead of grabbing people on their way in, they’re doing pre-recorded talking heads pieces and speculating about how well Britain’s going to do. Ugh.

They’re running through the Best Film nominees now. “Who’s that woman in THE READER?” asks David W. “That’s Lena Olin.” “That’s Lena Olin? Where’s her bowler hat?”

Just predicting that BENJAMIN BUTTON will get its technical awards but not the major ones. So we’ll see if we’re right.

Our friend Dylan is taking odds on strange things happening: “Odds on Tom Cruise presenting an Oscar and using the opportunity to come out of the closet?” There are no takers.

“Oh look, it’s the Slumdog kids!” “They showed them the other night in a vacant lot filled with sewage, and now here they are, all dolled up.” Danny Boyle has said that they  have a trust fund set up that’ll pay out when the kids finish school “and pass their exams.” No pressure, then.

“Odds on Heath Ledger turning up to accept his award? He’s not dead, it’s all a big publicity stunt…?”

Nicola and Dylan both confess to wanting to sleep with Maggie Gyllenhaal, “At the same time, if necessary.” Since Nicola is straight, this is a powerful testimony to Maggie’s charm.

It is widely agreed that we like Sam Rockwell. And that Frank Langella was a sexy Dracula, but is maybe too attractive for Nixon.

At last, we’re  getting some proper frocks. The mum from BENJAMIN BUTTON looks very nice, and Dylan, who mainly remembers the character in old age, can’t believe it’s her.

Much admiration of Josh Brolin. “Especially with that hair, bizarrely,” referring to his MILK do. Someone claims to have seen his ex, Minnie Driver, in an ad. I suggest she should be in a mini ad, as a mini driver. Everybody being interviewed manages to have one scary person in the background…

Dylan has brought his own cafetiere, and his own special cup. We’re beginning to worry about him.

The guy from TWILIGHT is being interviewed, and standing behind him is a man with an upside-down head. And now a character who looks like someone from Family Guy standing behind the dead girl from Veronica Mars. The people behind Amy Adams look normal though, but we’re complaining that Fearne is blocking our view of the frock.

“And here’s Sarah Jessica Parker dressed as a fairy!” cries Fiona, before we’re overtaken with shock at the sight of Matthew Broderick finally showing some sign of age. And at the same time, a sort of plasticity. I ask if he’s had work. “I take it you mean surgical work, he certainly hasn’t had the other kind,” says David.

“Red is the colour of the evening,” declares Fiona, after Mrs Sir Ben Kingsley makes a good impression. Fiona thinks Mickey Rourke looks like the Cowardly Lion.

(I suddenly remembered that I wrote a feature script in which some violent nuns from the militant wing of the Catholic church ram a Best Original Score Oscar up a man’s backside. I can’t think why that’s come to mind, maybe something to do with DOUBT.)

Sophia Loren is there! But Fearne is talking to David Frost. And Peter Gabriel. “Hi mam,” says Pete.

Claudia Winkleman, who’s doing the post-match analysis for Sky later, calls in, saying she’ll “chew off her own hand” if Kate Winslet doesn’t win. Something to look forward to.

God, some of the talking heads they get are awful. Barely qualify as heads at all. James King from Radio 1 is my bete noir. I don’t want to be mean though. Too early in the evening for that.

Fearne just isn’t pushy enough to grab interesting people on the carpet. Now she’s interviewing the other presenters… now she’s got Winslet. She says hi to anyone mad enough to stay up late in the UK. That’s us! Hi, Kate. Now the red carpet non-event is over, time for the actual crap to commence… except now we get more frockanalysis from Gok Wan, who likes all the wrong dresses. “That’s hideous!” cries Fiona when Miley Cyrus appears.

My Mum and Dad went to see THE CHANGELING, but they had made an appointment at the bank, and had miscalculated the length of the ads and trailers, and the film itself, and being responsible people of a certain generation, they couldn’t bring themselves to be late for an appointment they’d made, so they left before the end. I haven’t seen any of it, so that obviously qualifies me to be holding forth. Me and James King.

THEY’VE GOT STEPHANIE BEACHAM! Who has apparently been Best Dressed and Worst Dressed. I strongly suspect she has more interesting things to talk about than this. Even Steph looks bored.

It’s started! Robert Downey Jnr applauds himself and gets away with it. Hugh Jacktor is singing. “How come comic book movies never get nominated? / How can a billion dollars be unsophisticated?” This is potentially OK. Nobody’s done this since Billy Crystal.

A clip of Vanessa Redgrave’s acceptance speech, but nothing about “Zionist hoodlums.” Five previous Best Supporting Actress winners. They all talk like they’re kiddies in a nativity play. Except Whoopi, who gives it her all. Goldie Hawn says “Taraji P Henson” very carefully indeed. “The Academy salutes you all…and…” says Tilda, when I think she really means “…but…” And then, a mild surprise, as Penelope Cruz wins, disproving the supposed leaked memo. Dylan is disappointed that they didn’t show all the other actors realising they haven’t won.

Screenplay. Usually theres an embarrassing gimmick whenever they deal with something that can’t be straightforwardly illustrated. But some good comedy material, including a poke at Scientology from Steve Martin. Fiona applauds when IN BRUGES is mentioned. So we have favourite. But I like WALL-E. And MILK would be… MILK wins! This is good, I feel. Is it a lone nod or the start of a roll? Am I that interested? Still, good speech, and nice to see something be about something. Now adapted screenplay. The bit of screenplay they choose from THE READER doesn’t match the clip. Simon Beaufoy wins for SLUMDOG. Hmm. Didn’t like THE FULL MONTY much. I’ve seen him talk live and had mixed feelings…

Donald, our host, says, “I’m actually surprised that BENJAMIN BUTTON didn’t get nominated for Best Animated Film.”

WALL-E wins, which is good. The director played Barnaby in a school production of Hello, Dolly! it turns out.

Hooray! HOUSE OF LITTLE CUBES wins! Best short animation. “Domo arrigato mister roboto.” My pal Sharon Colman was nominated a couple years ago, but didn’t won. I think she’s at Pixar now.

BEN BUTT gets design. Happy enough about that, as it’s certainly swellegant looking.

Daniel Craig is not too comfortable with an autocue. THE DUCHESS. The costume designer thanks the composer, which is nice. Then he slightly spoils it by calling Keira Knightley “one classy lady”. “Ewww!” says everyone. “He very nearly said ‘bitch'” says Dylan.

A clip-montage of romance scenes gets us confused. We start reminiscing about previous years.  The interpretive dances! CRASH as a musical number, with Thandie Newton’s molestation by Matt Dillon, recreated in the medium of dance! Marvellous.

What is Philip Seymour Hoffman wearing on his head? He better win so we can get a look. Fiona says he looks like a medieval alchemist.

Cinematographer. SLUMDOG. Anthony Dod Mantle. Very laid-back speech, nice.

Janusz Kaminsky reveals unexpected comic talent. “Suck on dat, Anthony Dod Mantle.” Haven’t seen any of the live action shorts. Since not getting nominated myself…

Inexplicable music medley from Jackman… and Beyonce. This must be the rumoured Baz Luhrmann number. Since they segue from song to song with every other line, it must be Baz. Can’t see who half of them are. Ah, HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL kids. “Reminds me of the end of BLAZING SADDLES,” says Nicola. “That was horrible,” says Fiona.

We’re REALLY enjoying Stephanie Beacham. She hates EVERYTHING. Sorry you’re missing this, rest of world. She didn’t like the Seth Rogen bit because they made fun of serious films.

Nice line-up of Best Supporting Actors winners. Alan Arkin! (How come Philip Seymour Hoffman is up for SUPPORT?) Joel Grey! Great facial contortions from Diane Lane, trying to keep a straight face as Josh Brolin’s praises are sung. Cuba Gooding Jnr on Robert Downey Jnr is good casting, and Christopher Walken on Michael Shannon is INSANELY good casting. Father and son! Kevin Kline looks like he’ll be giving the prize though…

Yep, Heath Ledger. “I liked his pencil trick,” says Dylan. Sean Penn’s crying. Sophia Loren looks moved. Many many cutaways of people looking moved, serious, thoughtful. Strangely, some actors aren’t too good at this. But many of them are clearly sincere.

Documentary! MAN ON WIRE appears. “Nutter,” says Nicola. But Herzog appears several times and she doesn’t say anything. The Maysles brothers made the interview segment. MAN ON WIRE wins. Nothing for Werner, again. That little French guy is great at getting awards though! Somebody needs to give him a job where he can accept awards all the time.

Don’t like these montages. The Oscars should do big expensive stupid things. Failing that, imaginative clever things might be acceptable. But a loud montage of action scenes seems rather a wasted opportunity. Bring out the dead! Oh, they brought out Will Smith.

BENJAMIN BUTTON gets best FX, which surprises nobody. They ARE very good effects, and they’re not the kind of effects we’re used to seeing.

The guy who gets best sound for THE DARK KNIGHT looks like Benjamin Button! Hooray! Two for one! Best mixing goes to SLUMDOG. WALL-E should have won both, I feel. But it already has a big gong. Danny Boyle looks genuinely delighted though. A sweet acceptance speech from the mixer. Now editor. We think SLUMDOG, and it should be an award for MOST editing. Yep. Dev Patel jumping up and down in his seat. Thumbs up from a grinning Boyle. A nice yellow set of non-Hollywood teeth.

Jer! Who should be getting something for his acting AS WELL AS for his humanitarian work. Jerry manages to pull a funny face as well as giving a gracious speech. I’d have liked a MUCH bigger montage of him.

Music. The medley is very smooth, to the point that everything starts to sound alike. Apart from SLUMDOG, which wins. Looks like it may well be the big winner tonight. God, I don’t actually care. Why am I here? Songs montage, introduced by clumsy metaphors delivered by autocue-shy HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL people. It’s 4am here, Brain is decaying. Dylan asks, “Do you think Baz has been crushed by the bombing of AUSTRALIA?” and everybody misunderstands. “Australia wasn’t bombed, it caught fire!”

It does look like SLUMDOG is blitzing this thing. Another movie I haven’t seen and am not that bothered about. This may be a bad thing to admit while live-blogging the Oscars.

Haven’t even seen the Foreign Films, that’s how crap I am.

Dead people montage! With an unwelcome song. “I’ll be seeing you,” not the best choice. They have Vampira, but they don’t have Kathleen Byron, and the whole thing is very badly shot, with a pointless gliding crane that often makes it impossible to read the names. Now Stephanie comes into her own, because she can talk about Charlton Heston and Riccardo Montalban from a standpoint of actual knowledge, unlike everyone else we’ve heard from.

Director. David Fincher looks resigned. Boyle wins. A Brit. Please don’t be embarrassing. OK, he’s cited Tigger from WINNIE THE POOH. Good speech. Even Stephanie Beacham approves.

Actress. Loren! MacLaine! Berry! Kidman! Cotillard! And the music from GONE WITH THE WIND. David W on Loren: “She wipes the floor with them all.” “Or could, if called upon to do so,” I suggest. Hathaway starts crying when they say her name. Does she always do that? Must be awkward. Very strange expression from Winslet, listening. It goes on and on. What does it mean? Loren dries up completely, by which I mean she seems to forget her lines, rather than that she crumbles to dust. Kidman, who has possibly had more surgical intervention than Loren, does Brangelina. Winslet. Uh-oh. Actually, her shampoo bottle line is brilliant. And getting her dad to whistle — great! Also, really ORGANISED. “These GODDESSES!” Good show.

Michael Douglas nods to Frank Langella with an incoherent speech; DeNiro does Sean Penn. DeNiro looks different. Adrien Brody on Richard Jenkins. God, I hate these speeches. DeNiro managed to sound natural. Anthony Popkins suddenly goes VERY WELSH and does Brangelina 2. Handhi Bendhi Gandhi does Mickey Rourke.

Wow, Sean Penn wins! That’s actually interesting. Should boost MILK, which is great news. And a tribute to Rourke, which is sweet. Good to have a surprise.

Best film. They intercut clips from MILK with BRAVEHEART. “I bet he’s really glad to be intercut with Harvey Milk,” observes David W.

SLUMDOG wins — everybody invades the stage. Hmm, am I ever going to watch that film? Maybe someday. Must be a complicated thing for India, since this is a British production taking a not-entirely flattering view of a former colony. And while showing social conditions is a commendable thing in many ways, we shouldn’t necessarily be the ones doing it. But then, Indian cinema hasn’t been doing that…of course, what matters here is whether it’s a good film. Knowing Boyle’s previous form, I have a sense of what it’ll be like… not my thing.

Then we get ads for “next year’s Oscars” which is ludicrous. Ah, every muscle in my body aches, time for bed.

11pm – 5.00 am. I’m thoroughly resolved that next year I’ll be viewing my role as to provide an ALTERNATIVE to this bullshit. Generally the wrong people win, or the right people for the wrong films. Sean Penn is probably the exception this year. Actually, where it was surprising it was generally good. Maybe they should plot it like a detective novel and always have the least likely person win?