When you run a blog on WordPress, one of the handy features they give you (when they’re not totally changing the format and functions without warning, while leaving the “Help” section unmodified), is a guide to the search terms people use each day to find the blog.
Why are you all so strange? Some of the search requests are so specific to Shadowplay that I have to assume somebody’s not bothered to bookmark me and just uses a different weird search every time they want to find the site. But the ones I like best are the deeply peculiar requests that are in no way going to find satisfaction here, but which coincide in some peculiar way with some turn of phrase I’ve used or some subject I’ve mentioned in passing, like Walpamur Petrifying Liquid.
Here are a few:
The Great War Zeppelin (quite a popular one, this. All I did was mention Zeppo Marx.)
Giant squid (probably THE most popular search. Why, people?)
Songs with the word shovel (just BEAUTIFUL. I wanna party with this guy.)
Jessica Rabbit nude (very popular, beaten only by Angelina Jolie.)
Shelley Duvall fake (I’m slightly mystified.)
Williams Syndrome pictures (People, you need to learn about Google image search.)
Pittsburgh films Demonlover (Not sure I’ve ever mentioned the Olivier Assayas movie DEMONLOVER, which I like a lot, but I have mentioned the city of Pittsburgh in connection to George Romero, I think.)
Arthur Clarke pederast (I became the web’s top source on this pressing issue when the Great Man died. Sorry, Art.)
Videos feet smelling (No comment.)
Cut her hair really short.
Balloo emote (I love this one like a brother.)
Shorter people quotes (?)
Surreal train (OK, you got me, I’m hooked. Now please EXPLAIN.)
Mathew Broderick on March 15th, 2008 (Intriguing, but I’m damned if I’m going to Google this in turn to try and find out what he was up to. Give the man his privacy!)
Mans final breath.
Sexual mental hospital stories.
Lactulose (Which leads folks unerringly to MY MOST POPULAR POST EVER.)
The worst toilet in Scotland (Somebody wants to find it?)
Stolen ambles (OK, now I’m officially FREAKED OUT.)
Wigs sex (Well, sure, we’ve all done this, right?)
I’m gonna open up your gate Phaedra song.
Smeel feet movies (If anything, MORE disturbing than “Videos feet smelling” since it conjures the image of a horribly stupid person with a somewhat disgusting and comical fetish. Stay on the internet! Avoid reality!)
There is a post to be written about what John Waters calls “shrimpers” in the cinema, a field taking in not only Tarantino but also probably Bunuel. But I’m not ready to write it!