Archive for May 10, 2019

Seek Right Agent

Posted in FILM, literature with tags , on May 10, 2019 by dcairns

I’m attempting to acquire a literary agent to help with a novel I’ve mistakenly written. It’s not the funnest task. Writing the novel was entirely pleasurable, but trying to interest strangers in it is less so.

To liven things up I’m always tempted to use humour, but not always in ways that might be helpful ~

Dear *

I am seeking the services of a literary agent and was drawn to you as you represent both James Herbert and Alice Walker. In a strange way I have always felt my style was an exact cross between those two.

Leafing through the Writers’ and Artists’ Yearbook, I was dismayed by the number of agents who specify “no science fiction or horror” adding “or crime,” sometimes.) My book, though a comedy, is also a WWII science fiction horror whodunnit. Makes one feel almost unwanted. Only one agency went so far as to say, “CDLA dislikes science fiction, horror and crime.” I immediately rescience fiction or horrorolved to cheer myself up by applying, on the following lines ~

Dear *

On browsing through the Writers’ and Artists’ Yearbook, I was dismayed at how many literary agencies specify in their blurbs that they “do not accept science fiction, and horror,” some of them adding “crime” for good measure. So I was delighted to discover your agency merely states “CDLA dislikes science fiction and horror.” I am hereby sending you my science fiction-horror-whodunnit novel, which I am confident you will enjoy.

Since you dislike these genres but do not state definitively that you do not accept them, your life must be plagued by innumerable hateful submissions of the exact kind of literature you detest. But in this case, by writing a “perfect storm” combining three despised genres, I hope to cancel out those negative feelings: loathing will vie with disgust, boredom and irritation until a deep serenity washes over you.

Failing that, just remind yourself that strong emotion is preferable to indifference.

~ Fiona reacted to my description of this letter by saying, “You’re doing what you ALWAYS do, just pissing people off for no reason!” DO I always do that, dear reader?

Anyhow, it turns out that agent is one of the few that doesn’t accept email submissions, so I’d have to kill a bit of tree and spend money to have my little joke, so at that point I reluctantly admit it isn’t worth it.