Low Resolutions

New Year’s resolutions… I never had any talent for them, not only keeping to them, but coming up with them in the first place. Some inner realism/fatalism causes me to dismiss out of hand any resolution that might be worth keeping on the basis that I’d never be able to stick to it, and I can’t think of anything more credible.

But here’s a list of films I promise not to direct in 2012.

12) ANTICHRIST II: WALNUTS OVER COPENHAGEN

11) BLAST OF THE MOHICANS

10) CLOUSEAU CREATED WOMAN

9) EARTHWORMS ARE EASY

8) BRIDE OF THE LEPUS

7) BOGIE NIGHTS

6) ERNEST SAVES HITLER

5) ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF EGYPT

4) TAMAGOTCHI VS PET ROCK

3) JUMBO GESTE

2) THE LOCH NESS MOBSTER

1) JESUS OF NAVARONE

By the way, clear something up for me: STARGATE — was this a movie, or was it a political scandal involving NASA?

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18 Responses to “Low Resolutions”

  1. big disappointment that the ‘Tamagotchi VS Pet Rock’ project isn’t going ahead… I have most of the soundtrack music ready to go..
    ah well! will have to save it for the upcoming BEHOLD! THE PAC-MAN ….

  2. It would have been a very SHORT movie… one good whack with a rock will finish your average tamagotchi. Still, it could be a good role for The Rock. “And starring The Rock as The Rock!”

  3. COWBOYS VS. MORMONS

  4. You may choose to believe this … or not, but my partner has been a regular customer of Bogey Knights for years. It’s Britain’s oldest army and navy surplus store, established in Devonport in 1898 and a much revered institution.

  5. Wow — so when they first named it, it wasn’t even a pun? It’s been gathering resonance ever since.

  6. I dunno, The Loch Ness Mobster has real possibilities: 1930s Warners with accents so thick you need subtitles, and tommy guns purloined from the IRA of the time. Or cabers.

  7. There is a comic book called Frankenstein’s Mobster.

  8. CRY FOR HOBOS

    UNE FEMME EST UNE HOMME

  9. I know of the comic by title — and it’s a fine, fine title.

    Cabers would be good. An underused feature in the typical crime film. “First one to move gets a bellyful of log!”

  10. This brings back SNL memories of Garrett Morris and Cicely Tyson performing the duet from PORKY AND BESS. (“Buh-BEE, buh-BEE, buh-BESS …”)

  11. EXTREMELY LAME AND INCREDIBLY STUPID

  12. EXTRMELY TWEE AND INCREDIBLY ANNOYING

  13. EXTREMELY FAT AND INCREDIBLY LEAN (Roman Polanski)

  14. This adverb work reminds me of a conversation I had with Fiona which ended with her laughing for about five minutes.

    “Jeremy Renner’s not THAT knobbly,” she said.

    “He is, he is. His hands are knobbly. His head is knobbly. Even his nob is knobbly… probably.”

  15. Christopher Says:

    JuMbO GeStE was slated to be the first in a new Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello series set in in the circus..

  16. I think of it as a foreign legion / aviation drama.

  17. “Shocked but not surprised” is a good way to put it. Those guys suck.

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