I had a little free time at work today so I invented a new art form. I call it “branimation.” It’s like animation, but it uses Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. “So is this kind of like motion capture?” you wonder. Yes — it’s EXACTLY like motion capture, only with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. “You mean like BEOWULF, which had a motion-captured Angelina Jolie with gold CGI body paint and high-heeled feet” you wonder. “Yes — it’s EXACTLY like BEOWULF, which had a motion-captured Angelina Jolie with gold CGI body paint and high-heeled feet, only this would also have a motion-captured Brad Pitt with green CGI body paint and high-heeled feet. And Brad and Angelina (or “Brangelina” as I’ve decided to call them, wittily) would play every role in every film made in the innovative new “branimation” format.

The first branimated picture will be an adaptation of the popular British television programme “The Test Card” (pictured). Brad will play the clown (he’s so funny!), and Angelina will play the girl (she’s so pretty!). With body paint and high-heeled feet. If this is successful, which it is sure to be because millions of people tuned in to watch the Test Card in the 70s, we will follow it up with a new entry in the CARRY ON series, CARRY ON BRANIMATING, with Brad Pitt in the Kenneth Williams role and Angelina Jolie in the Barbara Windsor role. With CGI body paint and high-heeled feet, naturally. Because we don’t want to mess with a successful brand, or “brange” as I’ve decided to call it, wittily.

Of course, I realize there’s a potential flaw in my plan (or “plange”). It is dependant on Brangelina (or “Brad & Angelina” as I’ve decided to call them, wittily) agreeing to be in these films. But in fact, even if Brad & Angelina for some unaccountable reason refuse to appear in my film THE TEST CARD 3D and my film CARRY ON BRANIMATING 3D, I can still make the films, casting unknowns as Brad & Angelina (or “Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie” as I’ve decided to call them, wittily). We can put the CGI body paint and high-heeled feet in later.

Of course again, casting unknowns isn’t as easy as it sounds. The difficulty is that usually when you’ve cast somebody, they are no longer unknown. The casting process frequently involves getting to know the actor, to some extent. “The system” has worked out many ways to prevent this from happening (casting agents, video auditions, etc), but with limited success. I’m told that Nicholas Winding Refn auditions actors by sitting on the floor wearing tight leather shorts and splaying his legs in an unnecessarily explicit fashion, so that they will not want to get to know him, but even this does not always work, as can be seen by the fact that some actors agree to be in his films.

To really cast unknown actors, one would have to audition them like the way in LAST TANGO IN PARIS Marlon Brando copulates with Maria Schneider (or “Maria”, as I have decided to call them, wittily) — in a vacant apartment with furniture piled in the corner under a dust sheet, without exchanging names or achieving simultaneous orgasm. I’m not saying that’s what I will do if B&M refuse to be in my films. I’m just saying that’s what I might be forced to do if B&M refuse to be in my films.

It’ll be on their own heads.

13 Responses to “Branimation”

  1. Jeff Bridges was preparing for Fearless and he said “I’m not going to work out for this. The guy’s a lawyer, he doesn’t have time to go to the gym…” On the day, he turns up for his shower scene looking impossibly buff. “It’s Brad Pitt’s fault. He took his shirt off in Thelma and Louise and you could see every muscle. I hate Brad Pitt.”

  2. Christopher Says:

    zombies and robots are the actors of the future..Empty hollywood backlots once thriving with chorus girls and extras on cigarette and lunch breaks,make way for a couple of spare buildings where a handful of geeks harness their brain power behind screens,all a scamper for the last buck and a snort in tinsletown ..

  3. When the first synthespian achieves sentience and forms their own production company, then it’ll be time to worry.

  4. Christopher Says:

    I see a lone soundstage amid the desolation with a sound coming within of zombies cranking out the remakes of remakes of bad tv and of comic book heros ala Lugosi’s zombie mill in White Zombie..

  5. The forthcoming Spiderman, a reboot of a franchise that just ended, seems like the ne plus ultra of such creative recycling, but I’m sure somebody will top it, somehow, with a sequel to a prequel to a remake of a reboot of an adaptation of a video game based on a comic book version of an old TV show…

  6. david wingrove Says:

    One has to wonder if ‘Branimation’ wouldn’t be an improvement on Brad Pitt’s performances in films like TROY and SEVEN YEARS IN TIBET. The man can act when he tries but otherwise…oh my God!

  7. I guess he WAS trying in 7 Years, trying to sound German. He might be a bit like Keanu, in that when he puts too much effort into one part of his performance, he just freezes up, but when he relaxes he’s naturally good.

    Or maybe it’s the opposite: he really had to work to get manic for 12 Monkeys: I like his perf, found his mannerisms infectious, but a lot of people don’t care for him in it.

  8. His most recent performances in The Tree of Life and Moneyball are quite expert.

  9. Christopher Says:

    I’d never seen 7 years in Tibet till a few weeks ago.It was on network tv ,german accent aside,I couldn’t stop watching it.I was kinda fascinated by it..Had to turn it off before the end to get some sleep in order to get up early..

  10. Pitt is absolutely remarkable in Tree of Life.

    Never saw 7 Years but have never been too taken with Annaud’s stuff. The only one I might watch now is The Bear. Because it has a bear in it. Possibly two bears.

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