The Carpenters

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As a change from my usual past-time of making up compendium movie titles (you know, like, THE DEVIL IS A WOMAN IS A WOMAN, or DIAL V FOR VENDETTA or WHEN DIRTY HARRY MET CRAZY LARRY) which allow one to save time by imagining two or more films at once (there are TOO MANY MOVIES! Couldn’t we just mislay Brett Ratner’s entire oeuvre or something?), I’ve been working on a scheme to miniaturise John Carpenter’s career, converting his feature films into music promos for popular music artistes. This would allow his entire body of work to be watched in an afternoon, making film studies quicker and simpler.

Allow me to demonstrate.

ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK would become ESCAPE FROM NEW ORDER, replacing one electronic soundtrack with another, and playing the whole film just slightly faster to make it the same length as Blue Monday. The belated sequel (and I plan on writing something about that particular phenomenon, with ideas for how D.W. Griffith and Fred Niblo might revive their careers) could be called ESCAPE FROM E.L.O. Carpenter’s pointless remake of VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED could even retain its title, but with Captain Sensible and Rat Scabies digitally inserted in place of Christopher Reeve and Kirstie Alley. I’m not saying it’s an improvement but it is a refreshing change of direction.

ELVIS! can also keep the same title, but now it’s going to be about Elvis Costello. Sorry.

TV thriller SOMEONE’S WATCHING ME will now incorporate the song of the same name by Rockwell, who will be played by Adrienne Barbeau.

THEY LIVE! will now be a concert film, with the full title THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS: LIVE!

Here are some more:

JOHN CARPENTER’S THE GHOSTS OF THE NEPHILIM

PRINCE OF THE DARKNESS (two for one!)

RINGO STARMAN

CHRISTINA

ASSAULT ON HEAVEN 17

MEMOIRS OF A MANFRED MANN

IN THE MOUTH OF MADONNA

That last one could have just been called IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS and been about Madness, but it made me laugh and in fact is the entire reason I wrote this post. If anyone has any more pop group/movie title mash-ups ideas, let’s have them.

15 Responses to “The Carpenters”

  1. big country trouble in little china crisis
    the thing tings
    escape from LA guns
    helloween
    in the modest mouse of madness
    halloween 2pac shakur (additional scenes)

  2. Meryl Streep and Harvey Kietel in The Bad Lieutenant’s Woman.

  3. Whoops! John Carpenter films… I neglected to read the fine print.

  4. john the carpenters vampires

  5. Not music related but couldn’t resist adding Goats of Mars!

  6. Boy, I’d like to see those Martian goats in action.

    I struggled with The Thing, and Alex shows me how it’s done. I would also suggest: The Pretty Thing.

    Guy: good suggestion. But though it doesn’t have to be John Carpenter, it should be musical.

    Maybe somebody could do Friedkin?

  7. They Live with Ghosts of Mars

  8. the birthday party

    the boys in the band of susans

    the T-rexorcist

  9. OK, let’s make Carpenter into portmanteau form.
    Assault on LA
    In the Mouth of Darkness
    Someone’s Watching Elvis!
    Christoween
    Dark Starman
    Fog of Mars
    The Thing from New York
    Vampires of an Invisible Man
    They Live in Little China

  10. I like the T-Rexorcist! I was gonna suggest The Becksorcist.

    The Night they Raided Normski’s.
    Buggle.
    To Live and Die InXS

  11. Concert film: Ziggy Dark Star and the Ghosts from Mars.

  12. Ah great, more puns, time to prepare myself for further death threats! I’ll leave John Carpenter to the experts, but stick to the musical theme:

    Arsenic and Old Dirty Bastard
    Do The Right Sting
    Fear of a Black Planet of the Apes
    Mama Casablanca
    The Odd Hoople / The Mott Couple
    Twelve Angry Boyz II Men

  13. Now you’re talking!
    Young Mr. Linkin Park
    Wham! Boom! T’Pau! Pfffffffft.
    The Thompson Twins of Evil
    A Flock of Sea Wolf
    That Obscure Petrol Emotion of Desire
    Men in Black at Work
    One Hour Toto

  14. If Soderbergh had stayed with concert films after the one he made for Yes in the mid-80’s:

    Sex Pistols: Live on Videotape
    Billy Ocean’s Eleven
    The Good Herman’s Hermits
    Macy Gray’s Anatomy
    Outkast of Sight
    The Fall: Frontal
    Gypsy Kings of the Hill
    Billy Ocean’s Twelve
    Bublé
    Traffic

    and in 2009, according to IMDB, Untitled Alan Parsons Project

    Got nothing for Solaris, except to suggest an easy two-word review of the film: “So ‘larious!”

  15. De La Soularis?

    Very nice filmography/discography!

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