Disc-ombobulated

Quality control — although most of the DVDs going out in my Great Duvivier Giveaway should contain only one track, LA FIN DU JOUR, several actually contain two false starts. Before screening, customers are advised to go to the menu and select the third item, to avoid interruption of the viewing experience.

Delivery — no effort has been spared to ensure that your movie reaches you in the same appalling condition it was in when posted — eventually. Delivery may take so long that some of you, particularly those with a Transatlantic handicap, may wonder if it is coming at all. Wonder no more!

Special cut-price arrangements have been made for overseas delivery. A top bicycle courier will be ferrying the precious cargo across the ocean in a waterproofed burlap sack assembled by some of Britain’s most esteemed convicted criminals. Fresh oxygen tanks have been dropped by helicopter every five miles, so as long as he stays on course and keeps finding them, he’ll be fine. Of course, bicycle wheels tend to churn up a lot of dust and whatnot on the ocean floor, and the poor man’s lamp can only penetrate so far in the stygian gloom of the abyssal depths, so bear with us if delays are experienced.

On arriving at the Eastern coast of the U.S., after a brief recuperation on Easter Island, our man will relay the individual packages to a more reliable form of transport, the lungfish. This sturdy denizen of the deep is capable of transforming its gills into crude lungs, allowing it to wriggle short distances across dry land. We have every confidence that our fleet of lungfishes will be able to effect a rapid distrubution of the complimentary discs throughout the North American area.

Meanwhile, in the Former United Kingdom, copies continue to scoot — by second class mail no less — to corners of the realm as remote as Sheffield. Anybody who wants to treat the movie like a chain letter and immediately knock off ten copies and post them to friends, will be thrice blest.

Keep watching the mailboxes!