Inspired by the recent revelations here about Roddy McDowall’s double-jointed sexual ouroborous (Comments section, here), I wrote a light-hearted piece speculating upon the masturbatory habits of the great film directors.

Then I realised I couldn’t post it — my Mum reads this blog. And some of the stuff I invented was actually kind of sickening. To me. God knows what it would do to somebody else.

After all, Shadowplay is intended for family viewing. Scottish parents gather round the glowing screen with their offspring on a Saturday night, eating their fish suppers and Battenburg cake, washed down with sparkling Red Kola, and enjoy the latest critical insights on the world of cinema.

Anyhow, if you want to read the thing you’ll have to ask me to e-mail it to you.

10 Responses to “Censored!”

  1. I can be reached at




    I trust Mrs. Welthorpe won’t mind you forwarding an e-mail.

  2. Well, I sent it. I guess if you’re shocked, everybody else will know to stay away from the thing!
    Actually, I can access people’s emails even if they’re not in the body of the comment. So just let me know if you want to read it and I’ll do the rest, folks.

  3. I was aware that you already have my email address from dastardly WordPress (thus my magical David K moniker fools everyone but you Mr. Cairns).
    Anyway I’ll be glad to read whatever filth you are purveying.
    Nonetheless I wanted to get in touch to inform you about Mark Kermode’s podcast this week, available until Friday.
    Some gaping asshole (apologies to your mother, she’s raised a fine wee bairn etc. etc.) has emailed in with a new twist on modern movies, that is combining the titles of popular films with hilarious consequences.
    So we get ‘There’s Something About Mary Poppins’ etc.
    The idea reminded me of something similar which may have appeared on an eccentric film blog sometime ago. I could be mistaken.
    Worst of all he claims to be from Edinburgh at the end of the email. I wish there were some form of legal recourse but alas, the justice system rarely looks out for the little guy.

  4. I look forward to being shocked, and/or being amused. You’s got my address. I’d be honored if you’d send it.

  5. David K — that’s exciting. I’m starting to feel flattered, as this is the second or third time I’ve been ripped off. My pirate film was suspiciously close to a commercial for a US courier firm that appeared subsequently. I’d be happy to call it the price of success if I actually felt successful!

    You can both look forward to something obscene in your inboxes.

  6. David K. No, I’ve listened to it now and it makes me quite cross because most of the movie mash-ups suggested DON’T WORK. I’d be happier if he just stole some of the ones people have suggested here.

  7. Chris B Says:

    Sick and depraved? Why has it not been sent to me by default?!!

  8. Kevin Connolly Says:

    Well, the lord hates a coward. It’s not exactly my dream come true but …

    better email it to me.


  9. oh go on, I’m a completist, I wanna read the rude stuff to…..

  10. Quite right – I don’t want to feel like I’m missing out!

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