I’m watching the Shirley Clarke early works programme here at Edinburgh Film Festival. The first film is shown without sound. Halfway through a woman on the end of my aisle says to her husband, “I fell asleep.”

“”What?” he asks.

“I fell asleep.”

“I can’t hear you.”

Now, mind you, this is happening in a tiny cinema in front of a totally silent film. He might not be able to hear but everybody else can. I let it pass.

But when they start talking again later, I go “Shhhh!” at them, quite sharply.

Then the row behind start up. I go “Shhh!” at them, too. They ignore me. I do it again. Finally, I tear a page from my note book, ball it up, and hurl it at them, hissing “SHUT UP!” My theory is that a small, soft object hurled not with force but with sheer hatred can have a powerful effect.

Bear in mind, it’s uncertain any of us will ever get a chance to see these films again! Several of them appear to be disintegrating AS THEY ARE PROJECTED.

Anyhow, it’s only afterwards that I learn that the first chap I shushed was film festival patron SEAN CONNERY.

The highlight of my career!

9 Responses to “Oops”

  1. “The name is Cairns. . .David Cairns.”

  2. Well, THEN I found myself at a drinks reception with the Great Man. And I thought, should I apologise? I mean, I don’t want to cost the festival a sponsor. On the other hand, he may have forgotten already, and anyway, I was RIGHT. But then I thought, well, it’s an excuse to say hello, so, ever the whore, I apologised. He shrugged and moved on. I’m not totally convinced he heard me.

  3. My favourite ‘famous person being anti-social’ story I heard recently was from a retiring NYC Cafe Patron. I’m paraphrasing. A guy came up to him and said “So it’s ok for me to smoke now is it?” the fellow replied “No, this is a No-Smoking Establishment like always”. To which the customer points to a woman in the corner with a cigarette and says ” Well she’s smoking!”. “That’s Catherine Deneuve, YOU tell her not to smoke!”

  4. Maybe the solution would be to go and smoke as close to Deneuve as possible, so they can’t tell you to stop without her hearing. Then turn to her and say “Ridiculous, isn’t it?”

    If you’re as famous as Deneuve you should really push the boundaries and see what you can get away with. I bet she could get away with defecating in the cafe.

  5. Too bad Bunuel couldn’t be around to see that!

  6. dcairns Says:

    Heh. And then George Orwell could write about it, outraged.

  7. Proff Samuel Dale RNLI Says:

    Now that’s a good story, and it easily tops my own… “Accidentally braining the guy who plays Baltar in the new Battle Star Galatica with a sharp box of tea” anecdote… Larry David would be proud of you.

  8. I don’t know, your one has physical violence and tea, two staples of the British cinema, so that’s pretty hard to top.

  9. […] Sidney Lumet’s brutally dazzling THE HILL, introduced by Sir Sean Connery himself — my last movie experience with Sir Sean was perhaps not the ideal way to rub shoulders with greatness, so this should be a […]

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