The Obituary Mambo

No Moe

Reading Paul Donnelley’s Fade to Black, A Book of Movie Obituaries leads one to wonder, wistfully, how the film greats of today will eventually meet their doom.

Come on, it’ll be fun!

George Lucas. Crushed to death under a huge pile of money. Last words: “More!”

Lindsay Lohan. Crushed to death under a huge rock of crack.

Javier Bardem. Crushed to death under his own face.

Werner Herzog. Perishes of heat prostration while hiking into the heart of the sun.

Kate Beckinsale. Just quietly forgotten to death. Last words: unknown.

Tim Roth. Inner vileness.

Luc Besson. Sudden crushing sense of inadequacy.

Arnold Schwartzenegger. Eaten alive by own bicep. Last words: ironic quip.

Dario Argento. Raped to death by his own shadow. Well, it makes as much sense as anything in INFERNO.

Nicole Kidman. One of these days that face is going to snap like an elastic band. God help Keith Urban if he’s standing nearby. Last words: “Ow.” Age: no man can say.

John Hurt. Chestburster. Either that or he makes the mistake of going to sleep lying down.

David Thompson. Already dead. We just haven’t told him. Last words: that book about Nicole Kidman.

Stanley Kubrick. Faked his own death in 2000. Will be discovered hiding in a tea-chest, strangled by his own untrimmed beard and fingernails.

John Travolta. Finally goes supernova, before collapsing in on himself.

Tom Cruise. Thetans. Last words: “I was right!”

Sharon Stone. Karma.

Oliver Stone. Shock, after making good film. Age: 104.

Mel Gibson. Fractures skeleton during a botched attempt to induce the Rapture.

Lars Von Trier. Smugness. And giant scorpions.

Eli Roth. Ass-eating virus.

Michael York. The heat death of the universe. Age: still 35.

Meg Ryan. Smirking.

Tom Hanks. Passive smirking.

Martin Scorsese. Will finally descend to sub-atomic level — no wait, that’s THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING MAN. Scorsese will probably ascend to heaven without actually dying, like Elijah.

Michael Bay. This one’s mine.

The Wages of Sin

Feel free to suggest your own.

But keep it clean!

12 Responses to “The Obituary Mambo”

  1. Actually I think for Lars Von Trier —

    Murdered when Udo Kier drugs him and smuggles him onto a plane. On landing in Los Angeles, coming to, and realizing he’s in the United States he spontanously combusts.

    Gus Van Sant: Dies of a heart attack on realizing that hes not a 15 year-old boy.

    Stephen Spielberg: Expires from exhaustion on completing an animated musical version of The Diary of Ann Frank in which all the character are play by Pixar
    Pandas (Jack Black voicing the Shelley Winters role.)

    Clint Eastwood: An unfortunate altercation with Sandra Locke in the Burbank Studios’ cafeteria.

  2. Philip Seymour Hoffman:
    While playing Chet Baker in Let’s Get Lost: The Chet Baker Story, he portrays Baker at the moment of his death with such chilling conviction that Death, thinking his records must be in error, takes Hoffman instead. The good news for Hoffman is that that means in the afterlife he acquires a sublime voice and learns to play the trumpet. The bad news for Hoffman is, well, he’s dead.

  3. Dr Samuel John Dale Says:

    David Lynch: Won’t elaborate on how or why he was strangled by a midget with a speech impediment, preferring to let his passing speak for itself.

    Clive Owen: Accidentally chopped down by a lumberjack.

    Mike Lee: Died twitching, shouting and spouting “improvised” dialogue in a silly accent… The general public failed to show any interest but he kept doing it for thirty odd years anyway.

    Charlton Heston: Brought back to life using stem cell research then blown up by a nuclear bomb wielding gun nut… Also there were some talking monkeys.

    Sam Rami: Died of shame after watching those God Awful Spiderman movies… Bruce Campbell then danced on his grave.

  4. Heh, heh and heh.

    I like the idea of Lars Von Trier being treated like BA Baracus. I pity the fool!

  5. Michael Mann: Lethal Injection by the state of California after being sentenced to death for the death of Mr. Lowell Mitchum, a hollywood technician, whose last words were “Why don’t you just use film if you want this to look like film?”

  6. Wes Anderson: Died from surgical complications after replacing his right eye with an anamorphic wide-angle lens.

  7. Ah, they don’t execute rich people. But I could imagine Mann dying of ennui after attending a retrospective of his work.

  8. m night shyamalan: mysterious circumstances. last words: “i’m dying………..or am i?”

  9. And then: “Surprise! I was already dead! … or was I?”

  10. arthur penn was supposed to die but was replaced by john frankenheimer at the last possible moment

  11. dcairns Says:

    Barry Sonnenfeld’s death will only last 95 minutes, but everyone who was looking forward to it will feel strangely dissatisfied afterwards.

  12. John Carpenter –
    Stabbed
    Stabbed then shot
    Stabbed, shot and almost decapitated
    Stabbed, shot, fully decapitated, cremated, encased in salt and buried in the middle of Salt Lake.

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