The Top Ten Sexy Ray Harryhausen Monsters
The author contemplates his task.
This was a hard list to make! But a necessary one. So much competition! The anatomical perfection of the skeleton army from THE SEVENTH VOYAGE OF SINBAD… the muscular sheen of Minoton from SINBAD AND THE EYE OF THE TIGER… not to mention the dazzling intellect and warm personal manner of the Grand Lunar in FIRST MEN IN THE MOON. Finally, the only characters who could be definitely excluded from the running were the giant squirrel in THE THREE WORLDS OF GULLIVER and Bubo the aluminium owl.
10) It, from IT CAME FROM BENEATH THE SEA.
Tentacles… tentacles are sexy, right?
9) Cyclops from THE SEVENTH VOYAGE OF SINBAD
Maybe the one guy I’d go queer for. Spectacular upper body definition. As for the lower body… well, it’s a look, I suppose. Just imagine he’s wearing cowboy chaps.
8) Serpent Woman from THE SEVENTH VOYAGE OF SINBAD
Slinky. I love a woman with vertebrae instead of femurs. Picture the possibilities! Even if her face does put one in mind of Corporal Klinger from TV’s M*A*S*H. That’s why veils were invented.
7) Talos from JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS
The Greeks have a word for it, and the word is “ah-woo-wa-woo-wa-wowa!”
6) Homonicus from THE GOLDEN VOYAGE OF SINBAD
There’s a clue in the name.
5) Figurehead from THE GOLDEN VOYAGE OF SINBAD
A woman with perpetually hard nipples. Because they’re made of wood. Splinters aside, that still seems more organic than silicone.
4) Kali from THE GOLDEN VOYAGE OF SINBAD
Six arms to hold you! Body of Jacqueline Bisset! Legs of Janeane Garofalo! Arms of Jacqueline Bisset AND Janeane Garofalo!
3) Troglodyte from SINBAD AND THE EYE OF THE TIGER
Kinda cute, if you like Iggy Pop.
2) Medusa from CLASH OF THE TITANS
Maybe CLASH OF THE TITANS was Ray’s male menopause movie? We get an unconvincing body double nude scene for Judy Bowker, Theseus’s mom breast-feeding him, and then this. All this nudity was a new thing for Harryhausen movies, and seems sort of unsuited to the kid audience… Still, Medusa may be lethal and reptilian, but damn she’s pert.
1) Mighty Joe Young from MIGHTY JOE YOUNG
Ah, ya big ape! Who among is can resist the might and musk of the giant gorilla? And since his “gorillahood” is pretty tiny, proportionate to the rest of his physique, you can be confident he won’t be too “boku”. At the end of the day, it’s his winning personality that counts.
Honorary mention: Kate Calendar’s skeleton from FIRST MEN IN THE MOON. Full-frontal x-ray nudity! Who wouldn’t want to jump on those bones?
You’ll note that I avoid speculating on which of the stop-motion figurines would make the best sex-toy (the Kraken, obviously — just add batteries and he’s a reptilian rampant rabbit), and I refuse to suggest titles for porno versions (JASON AND THE ORGYNAUTS, 20 MILLION MALES TO EARTH, IT CAME BENEATH THE SEA, that’s the kind of thing you just won’t find here). Still, I feel I’ve plumbed some kind of new low here. Tomorrow I attempt to claw back some kind of respect and innocence as I write up the incredible evening we had in London at the celebration of Mr. H’s 90th birthday.