Things Roddy Said During “Destroy All Monsters”

Fiona’s brother Roddy came for a visit on Saturday. Since he has learning difficulties, he’s naturally enough a fan of the Edinburgh Military Tattoo, an annual jamboree in which marching bands in kilts compete to see who can create the largest amount of sonic pollution with their breath. Fiona and I take it in turns to sit through this unvarying pageant with him, every year.

Fortunately, Roddy has other interests, and apart from heavy metal music, military hardware, cranes and tractors, and football (if you like any of these things… well, I don’t like to make a diagnosis without meeting you, but…) he’s quite big on monster movies — Universal horror, Hammer, Japanese monsters, anything sufficiently monsterific. So I thought I’d use his stay to catch up on some kaijin action and score off another film in my quest to See Reptilicus and Die. As documented here, here, here and here, I’ve been attempting to see all the films illustrated in Denis Gifford’s seminal-to-me-and-Fiona (and Roddy) Pictorial History of Horror Movies.

vlcsnap-153203

Turning to page 174 of that august and greenish tome, we see a snazzy illo of Toho’s DESTROY ALL MONSTERS, directed by original GOJIRA helmer Ishirô Honda, which rounds up the largest collection of 100ft high men in lizard costumes ever assembled under one tent. I sold it to Roddy with the words “lots of monsters” and “giant spider.” Roddy’s thing about monsters is a childish enthusiasm (like mine), perhaps. His thing about spiders amounts almost to a fetish. The Digital Versatile Disc was duly loaded into the Panasonic.

“Right!” said R. “Get ready for the most… frightening film ever!”

vlcsnap-154134

Monsterland! Wouldn’t we like to go THERE for a holiday! The United Nations (the most corrupt organization on this planet, btw) has somehow gathered all Earth’s giant monsters on one island, keeping them there with what appear to be smoke pellets. Godzilla and chums, like the dumbest of livestock, keep wading out to sea and getting gassed, then staggering back to dry land, shaking their little green fists.

The science base on Monsterland goes out of communication. This is just like JURASSIC PARK, only rubberier. Top scientists call for an investigation, sending the nearest available task force, which is currently, er, on the Moon. On the Moon? Is that really the closest we’ve got? Anyhow, within minutes the rocketship is touching down and finding possessed scientists, missing monsters, and space aliens. And now the giant monsters are burrowing up from the earth (never explained, this bit) all over the world! Godzilla in New York! Rodan in Peking! The late Baragon in Paris! To quote Mystery Science Theater: “Oh the humanity! Oh the Japanity!”

vlcsnap-155446

Godzilla stomps. “Imagine meeting him on a -” Roddy pauses, for once fazed by the fact that his catchphrase, “on a dark night,” seems unapplicable to the cheerfully daylit nightmare before him. “- on a day like that,” he finishes, accurately.

“Uh-oh” Roddy said this a few times. Once was definitely in response to Manda, perhaps the crappiest of the monsters, essentially a big snake with little legs. Apart from being stupid-looking, he’s called Manda. I call him Amanda, just to piss him off. What’s he going to do? He’s on television.

The other thing Roddy says a few times is “Where’s that giant spider?” Which I can’t answer because I  haven’t seen the movie, just the trailer. But the trailer definitely had a G.S. in it.

Mothra, in caterpillar form, smashes a train. “Typical monster,” pronounces Roddy.

vlcsnap-153602

A sexy space alien! “Cor, she’s nice.” This sparks a reverie — “I tell you what I was watching last week. [Hospital soap opera] Holby City. There’s some nice nurses on that.”

Possessed lady scientist. “Mmmm, who’s she then?”

Ten minutes later, out of the blue: “I would love to go into Holby, as a patient.”

Me: “You’d have to get sick. What would you want to be ill with?”

“That’s a good question.”

“You could get swine flu,” I suggest.

“Or piles!” remarks Roddy, brightly. Here, my heart breaks a little. It’s not decent to feel sorry for people who are really perfectly happy in themselves. But I feel some sympathy for anybody who dreams of getting hemorrhoids just so pretty women will look at his arse. Which they’re not otherwise lining up to do.

Something in the sky! A poorly-dubbed bit part player wonders what it is. “An aeroplane, ya donut!”

“What’s he doing on the railway track?”

vlcsnap-154977

It turns out that the aliens are controlling the monsters with some kind of spherical device. “This one was found inside a coconut in Guam.”

“That’s typical, isn’t it?”

Sidenote — you know how they made Godzilla’s voice? All you need is a double bass and a catcher’s mitt. Loosen the strings and seize them firmly in the mitt, straining them firmly through the leather, and you produce the requisite inhuman roar. Try it at home!

“What’s that they’ve found?”

vlcsnap-160119

“Where’s that…eight legged creature?”

The giant spider, named Spigon I think, eventually shows up, out of nowhere, and joins the giant monster rally, which is basically all the monsters ganging up on poor old King Ghidorah, the space monster. “That’s racism!” says Fiona.

Ghidorah makes a cute electronic sound effect, like a character from The Clangers, as they all kick the shit out of him.

Finally, Godzilla’s son, who isn’t actually called Godzooky, and is probably the least successful attempt at a cute monster since the Turkish E.T., blows a smoke ring that encircles one of Ghidorah’s three throats and throttles him. It must have been his main throat.

vlcsnap-159559

The movie ends. “So, what have we learned?” I ask.

“Loads of things!”

“Yeah? What like?”

“The giant spider… destroyed all the monsters.”

Which isn’t quite accurate. But it’s a shorter summary than mine.

vlcsnap-158320

About these ads

23 Responses to “Things Roddy Said During “Destroy All Monsters””

  1. Back in the day Gus had a grunge-rock band in Portland called “Destroy All Blondes.”

  2. Back in my childhood, the Ishiro Honda film the kids in my neighborhood were fascinated with was The H-Man, mostly because it played multiple times on TV. The Saturday afternoon Creature Feature was big for us on rainy days.

  3. Maybe ten years ago I was painting a house interior in the northern suburbs with my work partner Ken. The couple we painted for had three small children, the oldest a little boy of four, five years old named Eric. I’d found something on the ground that looked like an attachment to a garden hose. “What’s this?”, I ask. Eric’s answer: “My Ghidrah tail”. Sure enough, it was the detachable tail of a Ghidrah toy figure. A few days later, Ken’s there alone painting the inside of a closet. From within the closet Ken hears Eric’s voice. “Ken, come out, look, I wanna show you something”. Ken comes out of the closet he’s painting, and there’s little Eric completely naked with a long stretch of toilet tissue, one end clenched between his butt cheeks, the other touching the ground. “Look, it’s my Ghidrah tail”.

    As giant spiders go, one of the best I’ve seen in recent memory is the one Sabu battles in THIEF OF BAGDAD. Might be a hard film for Roddy to sit through though, you would know better than I.

  4. The Thief Of Bagdad is ESSENTIAL for children!

  5. Of all ages! Roddy’s about 50. I’m sure he’s seen it, but I’m sure he’d enjoy it again. Giant spider, pegasus, genie, pretty girl, lots of fun.

    Destroy All Blondes is a great name for a band. Destroy All Anything pretty much works.

  6. Mosura ya Mosura
    Tasukete yo te yobeba
    Toki o koete
    Umi o koete
    Nami no yo ni yatte kuru
    Mamorigami

  7. Careful, he’ll hear you!

    Cool that Mothra has his own song. He spends the whole of DAM in larval form, a bit like Melanie Griffith in Night Moves.

    Godzilla just has a kick-ass theme tune.

  8. a great short clip:

  9. I *think* I barely remember these guys being on TV. Andy Pandy is the first BBC puppetshow I have a strong recollection of. Anodyne yet kind of scary.

  10. Christopher Says:

    “We’re here to control you”..she said with a smile..
    Well!…lay on MacDuff..;o)…..I can’t see MANDA without thinking of Amanda ,myself..like the Waylon Jennings song starts going thru my head..I don’t suppose Gaberah was in this one?..uh oh..hello..whats ol’ Gabby up to?..

  11. It’s supposed to be ALL Monsters so Gabara ought to be there. Maybe they thought he sounded too much like Ghidorah.

  12. Tony Williams Says:

    Wow! This is what makes davekehr.com. the most comphensive eclectic, intelligent, and fun sites around.

  13. Surely you mean “dcairns.wordpress.com” — but Dave Kehr’s place is excellent, of course.

  14. Tony Williams Says:

    Yes. The confusion is because both sites are excellent.

  15. oh my mother is a big miltary tatoo fan she’ll go wih you next year !

  16. Just mentally debating whether I can just pack him off to it with her while I stay home and watch Japanese monster movies…

  17. Tony Williams Says:

    Well I just watched DESTROY ALL MONSTERS a few hours ago and found it great fun. It is certainly not GERTUD but enjoyable all the same.

  18. Krill-coloured in Krull:

    What a scene…

  19. christian Says:

    Just wish the DVD was the AIP version…

    And Gabara didn’t come on the scene until the film after DAM: GODZILLA’S REVENGE…

  20. Tony Williams Says:

    Before Fox bought up a local Missouri station in the late 80s, we used to have five days seasons such as the Ranown movies and some Godzilla films, to say nothing about TWILIGHT ZONE repeats. Those were the days!

  21. I used to see Godzilla double-features in matinees at the late Odeon, Clerk Street. Screaming kids cheered on the monsters! But much better was the screening of the original Kong, a seminal event for ten-year-old me.

  22. Christopher Says:

    Godzilla meets Harry Nilsson in tv Add

  23. Strange that there’s never been a Godzilla musical. It could star Cilla Black and Ghostface Killah… you know, just for the rhymes.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 411 other followers

%d bloggers like this: